Life is a rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows. (Even a few upside downs!) We hope to be on the upward climb more than the down, but odds are, there will definitely be downs. (Either from our own stupid decisions, or through no fault of our own.) How we react to the difficult down times dictate whether we will be happy or sad throughout the ride. (Notice how some on the ride enjoy every minute, and some are freaked out the entire ride?) If you want to be miserable definitely do these things:

1. Show No Gratitude
Don’t appreciate anything. Take all your personal gifts and Heavenly blessings for granted. (You probably don’t even acknowledge the existence of most of them anyway.) Look around and see nothing but boring nature. Assume you are entitled to everything, (because you deserve things just for breathing.) Never write a quick note of thanks for kind actions or thoughtful gifts given to you. Don’t ever say ‘thank you’ or be sincerely touched. Act nonchalant about every wonderful thing you have received.

2. Hold Grudges

Plant your hardened feelings deep inside. (Let them grow!) Don’t let anything go, and don’t think of what circumstance the other person is coming from or their life situation. Let foolish words spoken in haste fester, and make all the memories that could have been created together non-existent due to harbored grudges. Make sure to let the big angry confrontation or even the little off-handed offensive comment consume your every thought. Use every opportunity to rehash the situation with outsiders, and be sure to act over dramatic. Definitely don’t say, “I’m sorry.” (It really doesn’t matter who’s at fault.)

3. Pass the Buck

Assume zero responsibility for your actions. Discover and execute a way for someone else to take the blame. (Surely don’t throw them under a ‘green’ bus, that would be bad! Simon & Garfunkel reference.) Never take ownership of your faults and mistakes. Adopt the Bart Simpson mantra, “I didn’t do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can’t prove anything!” Also, don’t follow through with anything you are responsible for or promised to complete. You have better things to keep you occupied. (That show might not always be on Netflix.) If it’s more convenient, select the easy road. Make the simpler, enticing, or most fun choice even if the consequences may punish you in the end.

4. Think of Yourself

In all things, place yourself first. Do not ever consider the feelings of others. Selfishly make choices that only benefit you. Make a huge effort to impress others and improve your social standing. Do whatever it takes if it involves increasing your bank account. Pay no mind to other’s life struggles. Share a juicy story at every opportunity no matter the validity. (Start or perpetuate a grapevine rumor.) Jump to judgements without researching the back story. Be quick to take offense. Act holier than the Pope, and make sure everyone knows about it. Knock others down to increase your own esteem. Always respond with, “What’s in it for me” when asked to do a task or procrastinate until they go elsewhere.

5. Always Assume the Worst

Look on the dark side in every situation. Abandon hope and faith for gloom and doom. Things can only get worse. Don’t ever hope for the best, and don’t try because you can’t do any better. What you have is what will be, permantly. Tragic things happen to you all the time, and you probably deserve it. Life just hates you. Have a picked-on and bullied attitude. Bad luck must be your only luck. Stop trying, it’s not worth the effort. (Have some chocolate with that pained expression.)

This was incredibly difficult to write, because it goes against everything I believe. (Disclaimer: Don’t do these things!) It made me recall Stephanie in the tv show Full House. She always said, “How rude! 

I wanted to accentuate the worst actions of humankind to prove that we can be better. That rollercoaster symbolizes our wild ride and tests in this life. It’s easier to be our best when the ride is high. (Or is it?) But what about the low points? Can we ride out the lower dips, and not be a self-made Grinch? 

I have one word to conclude with: ATTITUDE. (Mic drop.)