This weekend I visited the cabin up Ogden canyon where I was staying just prior to the stroke. It was the spot I was last normal. It haunts me like a ghost of life past. I never actually verbalized my inner conflict, because I was trying to remain in denial as long as possible at the time. (Sometimes you gotta use denial for self preservation!) However, the thought was always hovering in the back of my mind, even though I was welcomed with many with open arms.

Certain sights brought back memory vignettes of the days preceding my big change almost a year ago. Picture the ballfield, spotted with family playing softball. (With my mad skills, I got a hit everytime!) There’s the corner of the yard where the night before we watched (an old family favorite) John Wayne movie outside. (Popcorn included.) I recall scrumptious meals as we all gathered together to laugh and associate. And right before, (all those who opted out of river tubing) rambunctiously played cards with the necessary drinks and snacks. All was right with the world. We were encircled by trees and the babbling water. In the company of seldom seen extended family, we shared stories, memories, and experiences. Always laughing, we enjoyed the careless serenity of the crisp outdoors.

This was the scene from a normal life that would soon come crashing down, not just for me, but all associated with me. (Kablam!) 

It’s amazing to think of one event (like a stroke) rippling out to deeply effect so many. It just goes to show you it’s expedient to live your life to the fullest now and every day after. You never know what tomorrow will bring. (Seriously, you just don’t know!) How would I have lived those final normal days? What would I have done to prepare? I feel like I was in the right place, with family.

Here’s my unsolicited, but well-earned advice: Turn off the TV or put down the phone, and give your precious time to the people you love.

The cabin will always hold treasured memories for me. (Sorry, I was responsible for ruining a wonderful family weekend. It certainly wasn’t on purpose.) But instead of dwelling on the sadness this event caused many, I will focus on the good times. I will pull aside the veil of disappointment and desperation, and I will strive to only remember the happiness and joyful times. That’s my goal. (Wish me luck!)

Depression – Feelings Friday 4/28/17

This is a hard one to write about. I’ve been through a lot. My emotions are still as raw as the day I woke up in the hospital bed. I feel like my life came to a screeching halt, and I can’t get the engine started. (I think it’s flooded. Technical term.) I know many people suffer from depression. Its a faceless, private, hide-in-a-dark-room, sleep-all-day disease. I know I am more than this, but it’s still hard. It’s hard living away from my home and family. It’s hard having my dominant side paralyzed. It’s hard not being mobile. I am aware my sadness is soma-psychotic. (What happened to my body makes me feel the way I do.) A large number of things trigger memories of what I once was. When someone asks “How are you?” I say, “Fine.” (Thats a silly question. I had a stroke!) I know people mean well. 

But I know I need to have faith. I need to be the better person. I know I have wonderful friends. (Family members are built-in friends.) I am not alone. They would do anything for me. My attitude is positive. I can do this. I CAN DO HARD THINGS. (I have to keep telling myself.) But most of all, I know through my beliefs that I can be healed through Jesus Christ. I just need to reach out to Him and have unwavering faith. There’s that word again. Faith. And you always hear faith and hope together. Without hope that something will be, there is no faith. I have it. I am my own best cheerleader. I’ve got this. Even though I’m broken, I am worth something. Time. It’s going to take lots of time. Lately, I have an abundance of it. And patience. I thought I possessed it, but there are some days. (I’m not alone in that. Am I?) I must remember there will be bad days and good days. I hope there is a majority of good over bad. I need to let my personality shine through. I need to have fun. I know I need to find the joy in the little things. I can do that. (Wish me luck!)       Please like this blog on the blog. They’re all about numbers! Thanks!